___DORK THE HALLS

Sheesh! We took a load of Christmas questions to Son Of Dork, who took them and verbally barfed all over them. Here's the result!

TOTP: Who are the three wisest...
David: Can I ask the questions?
TOTP: Yeah OK.
David: Who are the three wisest men in SOD?
TOTP: David?
David: I'm taking one of the wisest men now. Cos I've got facial hair.
James: What, four hairs?
Steve: I'm a wise man cos I'm actually a diplomat who solves problems.
David: I'm a wise man cos I've got facial hair.
James: Dave, there's no way you're gonna be wise over Chris, cos he's got proper facial hair. And Steve, he's got more hair on his a*** than all of us have got all over our entire bodies.
Steve: I think the wise people are me, Chris and James. James is a very knowledgeable man. He's been in this game for three years and he's not here to f*** about.
TOTP: James, are you happy with that.
James: Yeah, I'm happy with that.

TOTP: David, next question...
David: Do you sign 'love' in your cards and if so, are you always comfortable with that?
Steve: I'm comfortable with that. I do it with Dave's cards.
David: Steve writes me letters all the time with love in. "Dear Dave, I love you, love Steve. PS, Lots of love."
Steve: I think it depends on how you spell it. 'Luv' is OK for mates and all of that.
David: That's the text rule! It's not the same. You don't write 'Luv' in a birthday card, you'd look like an absolute pog.
Danny: We do it.
David: Prime example! Exactly!
Danny: There's friendship love, and there's... other love.
James: I'm behind the times here. I don't know about this stuff.
Steve: I'm a child so I'm in the text know. I think it's fine.
James: I just missed the text generation.
David: I write love in cards. I just write it 'Love'.
Danny: It's more special if you save the love for someone you love.
David: Yeah but if you actually LOVED someone, you wouldn't write it would you, you'd just show them the love. You give them the love. I mean, your gran, you love your gran, but you don't LOVE your gran.
Steve: I love my nan.
James: I love my nan. She does my ironing!

David: What are you getting for free that you totally intend to wrap up and give to someone else as a present?
All: [Hell breaks loose as each member of Son Of Dork point and laugh at the massive stack of free CDs they have in front of them]
James: Thanks, Mercury records!
David: Can I just say, Island are above us, and Polydor are below. So it's not over yet!

David: Are the members of SOD who are NOT James expecting bigger Xmas presents from him than they are planning to give him? Why not? He's LOADED!
Steve: Yes I am! I'm expecting a big Christmas present because I have accepted to befriend him. I have agreed to sing and play bass in his band, and I am a good friend to him so I deserve a big present.
David: I deserve a big one because I have chosen to live with him. And look after him. And mother him.

TOTP: How's that working out?
David: OK, we get close sometimes. And sometimes we're distant. This is a real kind of love. A warm kind of love.
Danny: I wanna yacht.
David: I could get you a remote control yacht.
Danny: I'd be happy with that!
David: Take that! Flog that on eBay!

TOTP: James, what are you getting the lads?
James: I don't know. I've gotta get them a Christmas present. I'm not sure how much I'm gonna spend though.
Steve: You didn't get me an 18th birthday present!
James: I did get you an 18th birthday present!
Steve: I didn't get anything. Not even from my family. I'm miffed now.
James: I am better at Christmas than I am on people's birthdays. Christmas is the time for giving. I am the Santa Claus of the band.

David: James, are you expecting cards from Matt and Charlie this year?
James: Yes! Of course I am. I was in a band with those guys for four years. I'm gonna cry if I don't get any.
David: Yeah, but Matt's just useless anyway. He never remembers stuff like that. What'll probably happen is that Emma will remind him. So you might get something.
James: I'll be really surprised if I don't get a Christmas card.
Steve: [To TOTP] You didn't get me a birthday card either. I am livid today!

David: Are people who serve duck instead of turkey, and no sprouts, entirely missing the point of Xmas dinner or what?
Danny: No, cos sprouts are minging!
Steve: Yes! They ming! I don't like turkey but I only eat it because it's Christmas.
James: Can I just say that Matt is still one of my best friends...
TOTP: We've moved on, James, we're talking about sprouts!
James: Yeah but I don't think people know this. We're just as good friends now as we were before Busted. And me and Charlie never ever slag each other, ever. Me and Charlie see each other now as when we did before Busted... We're good mates.
TOTP: OK...
James: I just wanted to clear that up.
David: I agree. Sprouts are minging.
Steve: I'd eat one though cos it's festive. It's Christmas. You go with it!
James: They taste foul! They taste like they've been on a compost heap!

David: What gift would Son Of Dork branded Xmas crackers have in them?
James: Preparation H?
TOTP: Sheesh! How old are your fans these days?
Steve: But Dave's got rid of his piles now.
James: I think our fans are still teenagers. Don't you?
TOTP: I saw a few at your last gig.
David: I'd guff in every one of them.
TOTP: The fans?
David: The crackers!
Steve: I'd give Pogs. Remember pogs?

TOTP: How many mince pies can you fit in your mouth at once? I can do three.
James: 29!
Danny: I could do three easy!
Steve: I can fit my fist in my mouth. How many's that?
James: Go on then.
All: [Stunned silence as Steve puts his fist in his mouth]
TOTP: Ow.

TOTP: Who would you give the last Busted album to as a Christmas present?
James: The last one? Probably someone who'd never heard of my last band?
Steve: [Wiping the spit off his hand] Can I have it, James? It would mean a lot to me.
James: Yeah! Steve would have it. He likes to sing along.
TOTP: Which Busted album would you rather give?
James: Our American album. Cos it's more like a Greatest Hits.

TOTP: Worst Christmas present?
Danny: Erm.. all of them are great cos it's a present innit.
James: Come on, Dan. It's Christmas time. A Christmas present, right. It's excitement. If it's socks or something you can get from Boots... gah! It's gotta be something cool!
Steve: I'm getting a double bass for Christmas. That's the best present I'm ever gonna get.
James: Me and my brother got a pool table when I was 14. That was awesome!

TOTP: Have you ever taken a rubbish Christmas present back to the shop and tried to swap it for something else?
David: My mum bought me trainers and they were absolutely diabolical. She bought be these horrible running shoe things. I thought: "What the f*** are they!? They're alive!" I waited a couple of days and then asked her if I could take them back for something I wanted. She got a bit p***y about it, but eventually said it was fine. Bless 'er.